Life's Twists and Turns

The turns life takes can surprise us sometimes. There have been so many cliche'd terms about this over the decades that we should be wise to the fact that - even when we think our path is laid out before us - it inevitably will change.

Such a change threw me for a loop a couple weeks ago. Instead of being busy tending my gardens and animals, or enjoying crafts, music, and homeschooling ... we have been moving. Making a transition from mini-farm to city lot, homesteading homeowner to suburban renter. I have come to realize that the progression of the grieving process applies also to dying dreams. I know we are not alone, and so many others have lost more- homes, jobs, both. As a make my way through the community, I hear stories from people...-parents who lost the farm they grew up on. -a husband and wife both lossing their jobs at at the same company, now with no income. -couples seeing their investments evaporate into thin air. -couples torn apart by the depression that follows these tramatic life changes .... No, we are not alone, still it is painful.
Each of my older children have taken turns being upset, sad, and finally resolved to make the best of changes. I have been careful to encase my words with a buffering of "silver linings", in fact my 10yo daughter now uses that term routinely to help her through the transition ("The backyard is small, but *silver-linings* at least we have a park nearby "). My son, after the initial few days of upset, has re-set his agenda to plan a bigger/better farm in a few years. The idea of this being a temporary set-back has him planning big. Meanwhile, I have managed to push through the many things that "need to be done" and only within the past few days has the loss really hit me.
However, my four-year-old just broke my heart last night and inspired this blog entry. We have always called her our "barn girl" since she could just live up there with the animals and be happy-as-a-clam (a modern Tom Sawyer - barefoot and mud-covered with bugs in her pockets and worms in her hands). She has managed to be up-beat throughout the whole process. Even when her pet chicken (a Buff Orpington named Princess) and favorite baby goat (a Pygmy - Meg) were loaded on the back of a pick-up truck to be brought to new a home, she was a sturdy helper - firm and resolved to see them properly loaded and taken care of. Last night, however, she had a pained look and came to me complaining of stomach ache. As she dug her toes into the carpeted floor of the new home I asked, "Was she hungry?" No. "Throw-upy?" No. Her little lip began to quiver - "I just miss my animals!" Then the tears began to flow, and she just sobbed and sobbed that she would never be able to pet them, or bring them food, gather eggs -ever again. That is how she fell asleep in my arms- her face wet with a rainstorm of grieving, body quaking with the thunder of loss. It makes me cry, just to type it.
Denial - Anger - Grieve - Acceptance - Resolve. I thought that we had just skipped right along to Acceptance and Resolution. As I think about it, I guess, like with DD4, that was not really true. Perhaps, one of these days I will find the time to sit down with myself and allow the thoughts to spin-to allow the whole process to play in my mind. Meanwhile, DD10 often emerges from her room red-eyed and in great need of a lengthy hug. I find DS11 trying to find solace in the Bible's promises- asking for understanding about Adam's curse and Paradise promises. And I continue to push forward- packing/unpacking, shopping/cooking, cleaning up the daily mess that inevitable comes with 4 kids living at home all day - now with less indoor space and no fenced farm to romp about freely.
This week we will try to again start up our daily lessons grammar, math, spelling...music, art, history....routine, familiarity, consistency. A place for the mind to occupy itself while somewhere under the surface we heal and forget and start to dream again.